So Rachel Says
There’s only way to mend a broken heart.
I need a break. I don’t know which was is up and I don’t know what I am doing or which way is up. I am hurting, I don’t feel like I have a lot of people that care that I am hurting. I am hurting so intensely that I want to hurt myself. I want to hurt and hurt and hurt myself until I cannot feel the hurt anymore. I know, I have no right to complain about my life. I am so ungrateful. I feel like committing myself. What woman who is worth anything, feels the need to commit herself before her wedding? I am a bride, I have a man who loves me, I am going to be surrounded by family and friends, and it is going to be an epic party. Yet here I sit, paralyzed with fear, self-loathing and hatred, anger, disgust, and all jubilee of various other words with negative connotations.
I feel like I am slowly disappearing. That everything I once knew and loved about myself is disappearing. That, where there was once sunshine, there is now black. Like my entire soul is covered with black slime. I don’t know how to escape it. No amount of mind numbing medications, no amount of talking, no amount of people with fake smiles plastered on their faces telling me it will all be okay will fix this.
I am dead and broken inside. The hurt feels like this mountain I will never be able to conquer. I feel like portions of my life were stolen away. I feel like that sunshine that I remember once living in my soul has been wiped away. I know I have to be strong – strong for my family, my friends, my soon-to-be husband. But, I kind of wonder how much longer this façade will hold up. I am feeling like I am on pretty shaky foundations.
Maybe one day I’ll just slip away. Like sand between someone’s fingers… slowly falling down back into the earth. I wish I knew how to make this pain go away.
I have never felt so alone.
Day 37: Self Injury
I am trying to get better. But the feelings of inadequacy and…self loathing won’t go away. Sometimes, it is hard to just get through the day. Because when you’re in recovery for an eating disorder… you’re treating more than the eating disorder… you’re treating all of the things that caused you to have the eating disorder. My childhood, the man who took away… everything, the subsequent feelings of self hatred, blame, ugliness… it’s treatment for all of the brokenness that let me to the point of the ED and the BDD… It’s hard to explain, but I feel more fragile than ever at this point. I feel like a gust of wind could blow me over and that I’d shatter into a million pieces. Nothing inside of me is where it is supposed to be. I have this urge to hurt myself. Not die or anything, but to somehow make that pain manifest itself in a different way. For so long I destroyed myself from the inside out. I literally was killing myself inside. And now, I want that pain again… but at 37 days… I don’t want to turn back. I just want to somehow let that pain out and feel release. I can’t talk to anyone about this…
Day 32: One Month Marker.
FAT. F. A. T. It is all I can think of about It effects every move I make, every choice, every thought. I dreamt about getting kicked off of a reality talent show (weird, right? I don’t even WATCH those types of things) for being too fat. The judge even said something like, “Rachel ____ did really incredible… but she was looking extremely pudgy out there on the dance floor…” Maybe the show was called “Dancing with the Lards.” I feel like I am sitting on my living room floor holding the shreds of any self-esteem I ever had. Why do I hate myself? Why do I hate my body? I can’t bear to look in the mirror… the BDD is so bad I can’t even trust what I am looking at. L I want to feel whole and I want to feel beautiful. My boss said to me that maybe this is the size I am meant to be (since I cannot lose weight by eating better and exercising) – that maybe my body is just… this size. I wanted to break down… because no one wants to be with a fucking orca like me. I hate it. I hate that even though I’ve made it a month without purging, that voice is screaming louder than it ever has. It is deafening and I am breaking down. I… I miss the way I looked when I was bulimic and when I restricted…. *bawls*
Day 24: The Scale
Quitting an eating disorder right before a wedding is tough. It makes you moody, emotional, unable to deal with your feelings…. and it causes you to gain weight. I’m battling the BDD and the bulimic urges and what should happen - I gain 8 pounds in a month. 8 pounds. Last night I had a giant meltdown and my fiancé blindfolded himself and helped me into my wedding dress so I knew it still fit. It is just depressing. I am eating decently (I could be doing better) and working out. I just wish the weight would melt off. I feel like a cow and things like this make recovery so much harder. Maybe I should have stayed bulimic until after the wedding. :\
Day 19: Support
So, sometimes I have good days and sometimes I have bad days. Fighting the Bulimia is like a roller coaster. Sometimes I am high, at the peak of the ride and I feel beautiful and gorgeous and carefree. And sometimes I am the lowest of the low… and I curl up on the floor of my shower and weep. The thing that keeps me going is support. From total strangers, from my family, and from my friends. I don’t think I could do this if I was fighting this battle by myself. My best friend Kayla texts me often and asks how I am doing. My friend Chelsea tells me how proud she is of me. My sister “loves” my posts on here and asks me how I am doing almost daily. And then strangers - on this tumblr, on my Pinterest, and on my ED groups on Facebook… keep me going. Because they care so much and so deeply for the recovery of a perfect stranger. It helps let go of a lot of the bad shit and focus on getting through the day to day.
If you’re reading this… thank you.
- Rach
Day 18: “You’re My Only One…”
I find myself transported back to a summer,
Dripping with innocence,
Before the nightmares came flooding back in.
When we kissed in the sunshine on a bench in the woods
Before the disorders and the diseases,
The struggles and pain,
You were my only one…
Before I opened my mind and saw
That the monsters were inside of me
And no longer under the bed.
Before the push and pull
The drugs and booze
Before… it all was you.
Reblog if you’re an ED recovery blog.
I wanna follow all of you, AND hear from you :)
(Source: whereshewillwander)
Day 16: “Mourning”
I miss purging. It’s like missing a friend. Missing something tried and true that you know will always be there for you after a binge. Or during a stressful time. And one point in my many years of being Bulimic, I would purge just to know that I could. Just to exercise control over one thing in my life. I mourn the loss of that “friend,” as odd as it sounds. When I sit down on the couch after dinner and stare down the hallway at the bathroom, there is a fleeting feeling of loss before my brain takes over and tells me I am okay. I am breathing, and I can continue to function without purging.
The weight gain doesn’t help at all, though my insides seem to have gone pretty much back to normal over the last couple of weeks. Everything is coming and going in the stomach region as it should.
I still feel fat, and ugly, and I have no self esteem. And I’ve lost purging, which felt like, at times, my own friend.
In the past couple of years I’ve become this ugly, needy person. Where if people don’t get back to me or ignore me I get very upset. I just want everyone to like me. And they don’t. And I feel so alone. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my friends and family. They are so amazing there are no words. I just sometimes feel like all I do is crave love from others and that is so unhealthy. I will definitely talk about that in therapy on Saturday… I am all over the place. I just want to feel good and confident again.
Day 14: Two
It’s been two weeks. Binged today… didn’t purge, but I thought about it. I guess it’s good to say I thought about it but didn’t rather than saying I relapsed… I feel proud of myself. And very sleepy.
Day 13: Depression
Today has been a pretty low day. I found out a client at work doesn’t particularly like me, which is a big deal if you’re a consultant… so that was a huge bummer and a very hard blow to my confidence and nerves. I took and Ativan and am bumming around on Pinterest. Going to a friends house tonight… just not feeling mentally good. I feel very on edge and triggered and I am doing my best to eat some fruit, drink some water, and keep my chin up. I don’t have much to say today, I am just trying to keep to my personal promise and goal of blogging each day. I am hoping tomorrow will be better and I’ll have something more insightful and recovery oriented to say. :\
